He’s the one
I knew it in my heart, and some wonderful ladies confirmed it for me. He’s the one. We balance each other, we fit together well, he’s really everything I have ever wanted in a man.
People suck
The guy I’ve been seeing was supposed to come over last night at his request. I still haven’t heard from him. I should be pissed or upset, but strangely I’m not. I’m more disappointed than anything. I’ve had so many signs that he’s the one, I just don’t know how much of this kind of shit I’m actually willing to deal with.
I know being with him limits my opportunities to meet other men, but I really enjoy being with him that much.
I had a reading done a number of years ago; and what she told me has so far been 100% accurate. She described some very specific things that have come to pass, and this is the last thing she told me, about him. He’s the one, so what the hell is holding him bacK.
I’m secure enough to know it ain’t me! 
Today was another day of complete introspection
I woke up with the worst sore throat, I actually called in to work. It’s still that swollen after a day of relative rest. I did get a haircut and some groceries, then went back home. I was only gone and hour and a half. Instead of napping my mind kept going; I just recently learned the term Satori, which basically means spiritual enlightenment. It hit me-this is exactly what has been happening to me for the past 6 months or so.
It’s like someone has flipped a switch-my new found happiness, pseudo relationship, having real feelings about everything with my ex. It makes sense. They come out of nowhere and are usually about what I’m thinking about right then. It’s really kind of cool. Something all of a sudden becomes crystal clear and makes sense. I wouldn’t have thought it possible before it happened. This is the source of some of my real healing.
Here’s a fun fact for everyone-Spontaneous Orgasm is real. I had never heard of them before this week. They are they most incredible thing you can imagine. I didn’t realize it was a side of effect of certain meds. They been happening since I met him. Thank God they happen when I’m at a stoplight or I might have a real problem. :0
If anyone has anything to share about Satori, I’d like to hear about. It’s a pretty fascinating concept.
Why can’t I just be happy?
I blew off my guy tonight. I want to be with him; I haven’t even thought of anyone else since I met him. On some level, I’m in love with him or at least the idea of him being in my life. With all the red flags, why do I still trust that he is telling me the truth? I haven’t seen any behavior or heard him say anything that makes me question the kind of person he is. He’s a good person who’s done a lot of good and has many personal accomplishments. He does quite a lot of volunteer work. He gave me his last name the second time I saw him. Of course I did some research on him and could verify everything he told me. I even found a picture of him from his college yearbook. He has gotten so hot since then.
I want him so badly it makes me cry sometimes. And it’s not in hate, it’s longing. Like tonight on the way home, I just starting balling my eyes out. I’ve been wanting a real relationship for a while now. I can feel that I’m ready, and more prepared and realistic than I’ve ever been. I’d say that’s some pretty excellent personal growth and progress. I don’t want to date around until I hopefully find someone. I want this with him. It’s crazy how I am so .
He knows none of this, of course. He’d run like hell I’m sure. He’s not in the same place I am. He only recently separated from his wife, and for reasons I understand we need to keep this between us. I know it seems really stupid and slutty and wrong, but it really feels right with him. He has made love to me like I’ve never been made love to before. It was the absolute best in my life. I could look into his blue eyes for the rest of my life. I’ve always had a thing for blue eyes. And blond hair; I’ve never been with a blond man before-so hot. There was a redhead that was incredible at 16, but that was a long time ago.
He is by far the most educated,intelligent, funny, easy going, charming, best dressed, caring and considerate lover I’ve had. I felt an instant and intense attraction to him the second I met him. When he saw me, he did a double take with this huge grin on his face. The attraction was clearly mutual. He shook my hand, I went in for a hug, and I could feel he was already hard. That felt pretty damn good. It was nice to know there was at least one man that desired me.
I had the best time talking with him, eating ice cream. It was such an easy conversation, neither of us seemed to be at a loss for words. I think he enjoyed my company as much as I enjoyed his. It was a real first date, with some heavy petting. It felt right with him. He made it seem like he was wanting a real relationship.
He did an about face on all that after about a month. He said he didn’t feel ready to start a serious relationship, and that’s fine with me. He didn’t want to share too much personal info, and that’s fine. It’s not like I want to tell him about all my crazy.
I know, I know-HUGE red flags. I went into this fully aware of what he told me. I haven’t forgotten anything.-I kept copies of all his emails. It was there. I haven’t figured out what happened. I haven’t wanted to push him, and he’s slowly coming around. He has been so patient with all the surgery stuff; he knows I had stuff removed, I just didn’t tell him what. He hasn’t mentioned a thing about scarring. I appreciate that he didn’t ask-I didn’t know how I could possibly have told him the whole story.
I’m starting to think I should end it with him. I think it will break my heart to do that, and I can’t handle that kind of pain right now. I’m still too damn fragile. I’m working on it but it takes time-I have 36 years of depression I’m coming to terms with. My horoscope says some conversation will bring us closer, so who knows. I need guidance.
If I say anything or not, it’s going to be after. I need to feel that body one more time. I never would have thought I would be so attracted to a man so cut and rock hard. It’s just awesome.
I love feedback, what can I say?
One of my views came through blogsurfer.us. I checked it out, and it’s a blog surfing site. It’s seems like fun so why not?
Check them out-if you mention them in a blog, you get added to their search results.
http://www.blogsurfer.us/
I still have my job-horray
I got up the nerve to mention to my supervisor what happened with the customer. She of course took it directly to the boss, who called me in. I told him what happened, and that I really did try to make him happy. He said the guy is out of his mind, he’s a complete loon. I felt better knowing it wasn’t me and there wasn’t anything I could do.
He couldn’t seem to figure out why I was so nervous. It was because after the last incident, I was told it would affect my job. I interpreted that to mean I could/would be fired. Of course I was scared.
He told me don’t worry, forget about it, I’m doing a great job. I’m still not sure I completely believe him, but I’ll take it. I can’t afford to be unemployed-it would pretty much mean losing my apartment and my car nearly immediately. I could be homeless and on foot. 
I’d most likely go and live with my Mom and her husband-they really don’t live in the area; they are North of Barrington (for those familiar with this area). There’s a whole lot fewer employers up that way; I’d like to stay right where I am.
Of course that still leaves the problem of how the hell and I going to pay for Christmas? I have to get my son at least a few things. The ex is taking care of Santa this year-I think it’s only fair since I did most of it last year. Not to mention all the other years when he was “self-employed”. I think it’s his turn.
I’m having a crisis with my job
The last time I was involved in a situation in the office, I was told very clearly it would affect my job. I did my absolute best to diffuse a customer, who threatened to slander my name as well as the company’s all over the internet. He was screaming at me and beyond rude. He was downright combative. I’m quite certain he went straight to my boss. Since then, he hasn’t made eye contact with me. I can see the writing on the wall.
I working on a letter explaining my side of the story; my boss is beyond pissed over this. I need to get my resume together this weekend if I can.
I’m keeping my fingers crossed.
Just a quickie tonight
My wounds are healing. I did pull some stitches (I do acrobatics in my sleep) so it’s going slower than I would like, but it’s getting there. My breast has a two inch scar horizontally on the underside. Only visible to me and him, so it’s no big deal. He knew I had the inital biopsy done and both procedures, so it’s no big deal. I’m absolutely craving dick, so it’s been hard at times. My clit still works just fine though.
I think I channeled my former MIL today…
So I bought a car Saturday. They pulled the shell game on me, and I totally fell for it. It was my own fault and to be perfectly frank-they new it and completely screwed me over. It’s pathetic, I walked in totally prepared and I fell for it. THAT
After many calls there and many LOUD tears, I got my car back. They were actually trying to charge me for the sales tax which they will be fully refunded by the state. In the end they just wanted me the hell out, were completly rude. The one was saying, just take it and go. After all that I don’t think he had the balls to tell me please leave.
She was able to cancel a deal years ago using the same method, so I knew it could be undone and that in the end it would be. I’m not proud of the tactics I had to employ, but I got what I wanted. I got out of the sale and got my car back. This still leaves me with a vehicle where any of three major systems could go out at any minute, but if anything happens I will handle it.
All in all it’s a lesson very well learned.
